In our lives we are surrounded by other people, most of us seek connection and want to relate to others endlessly.
But we are alone.
Trapped in our heads with our secret thoughts.
Sitting with friends at dinner, people who know and accept you, you are alone inside with your inner voice.
Going to family functions with people who have known you since before you were born, they still see the child that was once in front of them, not the growing person with struggles and emotions.
Standing in line at the store, people buzzing around you, they are centers of their own universes.
Texting conversations with people that should be talked about, not just small talk or daily affairs, but real trying to get to know each other conversations, Not talking, just staring at a phone. Each person alone. Not actually connecting. No accountability. This gets so boring.
Sipping coffee with your husband, wife, significant other, definitely alone, there is so much in those dynamics that you don't share.
That's just reality.
No one can ever know what another person is feeling or thinking all the time, waves of jealousy, hidden with smiles, annoyance covered up because of motives.
When I sit and talk to people, they reveal things about themselves to me, sometimes they aren't aware of everything they reveal. Everyone has a story, and it's theirs, and in pieces of it someone else was a part of it, their version would be different.
Even in a conversation you are alone in your perspective because our own life experiences, opinions, ideas, faulted each of us from ever fully understanding each other.
If your lucky, and I have been, you can surround yourself with companions with closely related views and ideas, but no one can ever completely relate because you have had your own trials.
Even the most beautiful experiences can bring a sense of solitary.
I am at peace, a happy person, I feel aware, but, at this time in my life I feel alone.
Surrounded by my possessions, my beautiful children, friends, family who adores me.
I am alone.
I need a deeper connection than I've ever had before, or that I'm having right now.
I've been close with people, it seems like so many people are comfortable opening up to me.
I know I drift away from people when I don't feel them reaching out to me for the same things I am.
But there is a heightened connection I am seeking.
I need a bond. A mutual trust, no motives and just purity.
At this point in my life, will I ever find that?
Everyone is too wrapped up in their own aloneness, walls, distrust, hurt, causes, intentions, to truly connect anymore.
We are all lost. Damaged. Pushing through something or another.
I need rawness.
But I need it to come to me, because I am lost, damaged, pushing through.
Ive lost so much, gained much, let so many things go, I have ripped people out of my life and moved on.
I know where in my life someone else is the player and I am the pawn, and vise versa. There seems to almost always be a push and pull with people, and people are so caught up in playing that game that when there are real things to be said, they say nothing at all for fear of losing. But, you're losing anyway.
No one wants to be vulnerable. But, I do.
Once someone ever shows that to me I would completely lose myself. I would give myself away. I would pull myself apart and let them have me.
So I could have them.
