Is the coast ever clear? Is my life just unusual? There is seemingly always some sort of adversity to over come, obstacles to clear, wars to fight, fires to put out. It. never. ends. Is this how everyones life is? It just seems like some people have such a smooth sailing journey. No one ever dies, or gets divorced, or breaks up, or gets hooked on drugs, or looses their job in their history of life. Do they just hide these things from everyone? Even to people close to them..or did they somehow draw the Ace in life and get a free pass? I don't think that is in the cards for me. The hand I was delt seems to be filled with jokers, go fish, go straight to jail do not collect $200, and folds. I want a RESHUFFLE!! I want to be happy and carefree like everyone else. Maybe I just didn't plan my life out right, I should have waited to have kids and went to college..but, no..I love my kids, they actually do make me happy. Life is all about choices, right?? I say this all of the time. Why do I have such a hard time applying it to my own life? It's like I think I'm making a good choice, then in retrospect a few months later, I'm like "WHAT was I thinking!!?!", "WAS I even thinking? Or just FEELING". It's hard to know at the time.
obstaclesplural of ob·sta·cle
Noun: A thing that blocks one's way or prevents or hinders progress
If the above is true than my choices are my only real obstacles. But how do you know what is the right choice? Is life really a game? "If you play your cards right, you can have the life you always dreamed of"..? Have I been missing something important all of these years? Should I be playing? I'm confused, I am no good at games, I like competition, just not games. People cheat. Am I supposed to cheat too? But, I don't want to cheat. It's too much trouble. But if everyone else is cheating then is it really cheating anymore? Or, just how you play the game?
All I know is that I am really frustrated with this stagnant place in life I am in, dull, sluggish, unstable. I've got to put my chips in soon, place my bet. Do I just wait and see what happens? Or do I take forceful and immediate action? If I wait, I could possibly gain the life I have always wanted, possibly, but that is a lot to put in someone else's hands. Or if I take action, could I be headed down another dead end road, just looking for what I have always wanted anyway? I don't know, at least if I take action I know that I can rely on myself. But ultimately it's all about the choice I make, the CARDS I play. I've got to play my hand soon. This is a high stake game...mine and several others potential happiness is on the line. But it is true, it feels like a gamble. Or maybe it's just a roll of the dice..no matter how you play, it all depends on some unseen force that just makes it all happen.
Who knows...?? Anyone? Anyone?
PS...I'm really uspet..I wrote this whole thing out and hit publish earlier and I was having internet problems...so it deleted the WHOLE thing..I rewrote it all...the first copy was so much better :/
Even the computer is playing with me. Mean ass.
