I had my heart broke once. I never thought I would recover. I felt actual physical pain from it, deep and relentless pain. There is no escape from your thoughts and that burning emptiness in your chest.
The worst part about it is the festering. It gets so much worse before it gets better, and by better I mean, before you move on. But, you never forget, oh hell no.
Having your heart broke can make you a whole new person. Remember when you were a kid and you saw your parents as perfect? They could never make a mistake, whatever they said should be etched in gold and carried around on a weight around your neck. They didn't have pasts, or secrets, or lives other than things that involved you. Then one day you find something.. a clue, a gem, a nugget of truth that sets your mind on fire and you have to research it more. Do mom and dad smoke pot before bed? Or, listen to really cool music? Or have friends that they talk to?Or maybe they said things in raising me that were not right.. Maybe they just did the best they could and totally fucked it all up on accident. Oh shit, am I a fucking accident??
Yeah, that's what it feels like after a real, true, genuine heart wrenching, you just got left in the dust breakup. You all of the sudden realize that person just might have made a mistake, or a bad choice in their life and YOU were the result of it. You can never trust anyone again. You can never let yourself be so blind to what they are actually thinking behind closed doors. Do they have a whole other life going on inside their head that they aren't revealing to you? And maybe you were just a little too carefree and full of hope and naivety that you thought when someone said they loved you, they felt it. I never ever knew that I, of all people, could be a temporary fixture in someone's life, and I was the only one unaware of the clock ticking.
I learned the most about myself during my heart bleeding boohooing, death of a soul year.. Yes I said YEAR. I learned that you have to behave in a relationship, you can't just expect someone to forgive you for being screwy with them. I learned that you HAVE to compromise a little, but not too much(no one wants a doormat). I learned that you can't waste time on the wrong person, but that you should consider your time an investment on the right one. I learned that you have to show people how to treat you sometimes. I learned that I have to be careful and not just trust that someone's motives are clear. I learned not to yell, but how to communicate. I also learned that Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream is faaantastic with Cheetos and a good cry. I learned how to build walls and only let people who work for it in. I learned that my friends DO care. But most importantly I learned that everyone should have their heart broke at least once, because you need a reality check once in your life, just to get over yourself. No one's perfect. Seriously.
